What is a "friend"? Is it a person? A place? A thing? A noun? A verb? Is it concrete? Abstract?

there aint nothing like a memory when it's coming on strong like a hurricane

I realized something huge..something I have been struggling with for years. I unlocked it. In the middle of a deep conversation the other day, it finally hit me how much of the past I unknowingly carry with me in my day to day life. Pieces of the past I have given up and forgotten, grown from and out of. We think it is easy to rewrite ourselves but it is not, our past is our present and our future. Our past is constantly changing and recreating itself but it's like a giant closet.. you throw your old clothes, books and shoes into it thinking "I'm going to need this someday" and then you forget. You forget that those pink jelly shoes you wore to your junior prom are there, they go out of style and one day when you are searching for the match to your new black high tops you come across that jelly shoe and are immediately immersed in pubecest memories of awkward dances and teenage angst. You put the shoe back, knowing that you should really throw it out and part with that piece of your life. But you can't. It's there and it's staying there. That is how memory works.

Mind you, I have taken countless psychology classes where they explain that your brain is like a big giant complex computer and I am dumbing it down to a simple pair of old shoes. But think about it. On my computer there is a Delete button. I choose what stays and goes. It can crash and take the important and unimportant away from me. I can't do that with my brain. Or my closet. Because for some reason deep within we all want to hold on to pieces of our past. And barring house fire or amnesia these things stick with us.

Unlike a pair of shoes our memories pop up. We don't have to go searching in the back of the closet to fine them. Things just remind us. Like tonight with my boyfriend I was reminded of times when I was so different. I was convinced I was going to be a nun. Or the other day I was fighting with someone they asked my why I manipulate people with threats and guilt. I realized I had one reason why. The past. In the past I let people do to me what I was being accused of then and realized how messed up I have been by that one person. But it's been part of me for so long now. How do I change that? How do I take the shoes I wore to junior prom that gave me giant blisters away? Better question.. why wouldnt I be able to?

forget and not slow down

I'd rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now
If I become what I can't accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it

So many times in our lives we are faced with one question: what now?

That is the question I am faced with today.. what now? What is going on with my life at this moment? Well at this moment I am sitting on my bed in tie dye pajamas listening to the poetic sarcasm of House M.D and every few minutes I hear the laughter of my baby brother. I am safe and comfortable. I'm texting my boyfriend and waiting for an instant message. Today was long and stressful and tiring for reasons that I cannot control; I had a broken oven, two broken proofers, had to cover an incredibly inconvient break, oh and I spent a good percent of my time thinking about things that have nothing. Thinking can be an evil passtime. It is like a vicious virus, it sparks a small thought that grows into a huge one. It becomes all I can think about.

There is something I can't stop thinking about it: what now? I have worked at a supermarket for four years. I have a mediocre GPA and a even less appealing resume. I haven't done anything with my life. So what now, where do I go for now?

Anyways, different rant! Why are we all so damn interconnected now? Literally..everything is instantaneous. It's insane! Texts. Instant Messages. Email. Facebook. Twitter. "All in the palm of your hand". Well maybe I dont want all the demands of having the whole world in my hands. Maybe I want to pick up the phone for once. Oh and of course now I have a kindle, aka the best electronic device...except it has one click payment..aka it only takes me one minute, one frigging click, to spend like 15.99 on a book I have never heard of but that has a pretty little girl on the front cover.

So yeah.. that's today's rants.

Songs for Lisa

• The Best of Me-Jason Aldean
• Hug Me-Meg and Dia
• Waiting Outside The Lines-Greyson Chance
• Pray-Justin Bieber
• By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North
• Overflow-Chloe&Olivia
• Cry Out to Jesus-Third Day
  
• The Last Night-Skillet
  
• Time-Chloe&Olivia
• The Lucky Ones-Brendan James
• Drowning-Saving Abel
• Second Chance-Cory Morrow
• The Truth-Kris Allen
• Your Love is a Song-Switchfoot
• Rain-Creed
• Dreaming Love-Kate& Kacey
• Never Going Back to Ok-The Afters
• Nobody's Hero-The Strange Familiar
• Why Not Now-Alissa Moreno
• Angel-The Strange Familiar
• Here I Am-Carly Patterson
• Hold-Superchic
• Time to Wake Up-Carly Patterson
• That's How it Is-Paul Freeman
• Give Me Your Eyes-Brandon Heath
• This is Who We Are-Hawthorne Heights
• There Will Be a Day-Jeremy Camp
• Came Back to Me-David Cook
• The Greatest Wonder-Gratitude
• Who We Are-Ryan Calhoun
• LifeLine-Papa Roach
• Everything Went Down-Kate Tucker and the Sons of Sweden
• Get Twisted-Louie Bello (my neighbor)
• ANYTHING BY KATE VOUGLE or BREAKING BENJAMIN or RELIENT K
  
• Save You- Simple Plan
• 3am-Busted
• Temporary Life (Ordinary Girl)-Carly Patterson
• You're Not Mine-The Morning Light
• You're Not Alone-Soasin
• Reinventing Your Exit-Underoath
• After the World-Disciple
• Austin-Blake Shelton
• Courage-Superchic
• Pain-Three Days Grace
• Fighting For Nothing-Meg and Dia
  
• Suddenly-Superchic
• Stand in the Rain-Superchic
• Everything Is Different Now-Stellar Kart
• Never Let Go-Stellar Kart
  
• We Cry-The Script
• I Belong To You-Superchic
• Best Days-Graham Colton
  
• Wish-Brian Littrel
• We Live-Superchic
• Halfway Gone-Lifehouse
• The Driveway-Miley Cyrus
• Sooner Or Later-Michael Tolcher
• Time and Confusion-Anberlin
• Take You Back-Jeremy Camp
• Friend Like That-Hawk Nelson
  
• Sea of Faces-kutless
• Zero-Hawk Nelson
• Me and Jesus-Stellar Kart
• Affirmation-Savage Garden
  

those nights

I remember when we used to laugh about nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In the dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

So today a friend and I started reminiscing a little about the past four years and the things that have happened and changed. It's crazy to think that almost four years ago we started out on this journey of college and all the stuggles and joys that go along with that. In those four years there have been so many changes, so many tear, so many losses and so many gains. We walked into our dorm rooms that day and thought that what we loved, what we hated, what we thought...they were all concrete. We assumed that the friends we made in the first few weeks would be by our side for years to come. We thought that when we graduated in four years we would be the same people. Oh how wrong we were.

I walked into my dorm room thinking I would completely reinvent my past, I would erase all the little errors I had made in high school. I would not be clingy, I would not tell anyone about the scars on my legs, I would never pick up a blade again. Everything was going to be different and it was going to magically start then, that moment, that day. Yep. Naht what happened. In fact let us be completely honest...furthest thing from what happened. School was stressful. Friendships from home were stressful, in particular one who was having a very hard time emotionally, I snapped. It all started again and people began to notice, things were becoming just as they were before. I drifted from the group I started with and found some new friends. I made a promise to put the blade down, never thinking I'd keep it. Then bigger things started happening, my grandfather died, my cousin died. My grades were shit. I was spiralling. Everytime they steadied out it felt like something happened to pull it away. So many tears were shed and so many times I thought I would never make it out in one piece.

Looking back now though:
So many tears as were shed; equal amount of laughs
So many sleepless nights I spent wondering when the alarm would finally go off; so many nights crashing with my friends because we were exhausted from laughter
So many stupid texting fights; so many texts telling me how much I was loved and cared for.

Four years ago I started school as a naive Catholic, pro-life, unfriendly to those who were homosexual and thinking I knew everything. I made friends a week into school that I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I had spent years in public school, years in private. I had played sports, I got good grades and some bad. Now as my college years wind down I realize I am not that person anymore. I haven't gone to mass in months, but I pray to God constantly. I am in love with the Da Vinci Code and Harry Potter. I am friends with many people who don't consider themselves "straight" -who in my eyes are equal, perhaps even superior considering how honest they had to be in such a harsh world. . I am a virgin but I don't wear a chastity ring. I have amazing friends, but very few. I only talk to two people who were in my original group. My best friend is amazing and I love her. I havent cut in over three years. I have watched people fight for their lives. I have watched people surrender. I have spent a week on the acute psych ward. I have never been so honest as I am right now. I have changed by that's how it is. And I'm ok with it.

why am i never enough? why cant i ever help anyone? and when will everyone get that i need to. i need to help i need to matter i need to care.

ugh. i really hate my life at the moment and dont really see the point.

hmmm why am i so fucking paranoid right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's driving me to mild insanityyyy

a mini rant

I wish that there were things in life i could control. Yes, yes i know. I "control" my life. But really I dont. I control nothing. I work my ass off and get mediocre grades. I never get sleep. I have work all the time. I control me. but when im exhausted that doesnt even work. I cant control my head. or my words. or really even my actions. and it's quite aggravating.

I really wish I could control things, people. Things like stupid assholes who hurt my friends. Things like the fact that too many people have passed away in this stupid month. Theres a reason the the 31st is the day of the dead. Fucking october. Or everyone getting sick. I know i know i know.. im not God. I cant control other people, or death, or nature. But i cant still wish right?

meh. bad week. too busy. cant function. gonna crash soon. not fun.

sorry for the rant.

sometimes it takes a hard time to realize who really cares.

<3

Dear Papa

Dear Papa,
I never thought I could miss you like this. I never imagined it would all hurt this much. I never thought of the day that I couldn’t remember your voice. Or your smile. I wish things were different. I wish you were there to hug me when Jamie died. I wish that I could see your face light up at Jakie’s newest goofy statements. I never thought that we would have to do this all without you. I never thought I would walk downstairs and not think of it as your house… but the other day I did just that. Then I went into your bathroom and cried. Because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Your world is gone. You aren’t here anymore. And I need you. I miss the way I could go downstairs and expect to see the news or baseball, nothing else. No matter what happened… you were my constant. I miss your smell… I never could quite figure out what it was... it was just you. Your house used to have it too… but it’s not there anymore. I never thought that I would walk downstairs and see the boys playing video games where that baseball game should have been on. Everything is different now. Mom painted and it’s beautiful but it’s not you. And they redid the floor… but then it flooded because of the water heater… remember last time that happened? It was the middle of the night and I woke up to your voice. I was mad you woke me up, now I wish I could hear your voice.

Do you remember when I stayed over your house when mom was in the hospital having Daniel? I remember crying and saying I wanted to see my mom and you told me to be a big girl. I was still crying and scared when I went to sleep in mom’s old room. The next morning I woke up in your bed (I never remembered walking around at night but I always did it) next to you, and I wasn’t scared anymore because I was with you. I miss you so much. I miss your strength and how you always cared. I miss the way you would come up and stop me and mom’s battles…. I used to get so mad at you but really you were just trying to teach me how to treat her. She deserves much better than me. I miss the way you used to force money on me, and not really because I miss the money, I just miss the gesture. You were never a touchy feely guy but when we got handed money we knew you loved us and were proud of us. I miss the random mornings you would take us out to breakfast.

I wish you didn’t leave us. I know it’s not your fault but I wish you didn’t leave. Things will never be the same. Mom isn’t the same anymore…. She’s sad. And she drinks too much. I don’t know how to stop her. I don’t know if I can anymore. I don’t know how. I wish that I could hug you again. And I wish I could see your smile. And see your handwriting. And see you at the front door waving goodbye when we left to go somewhere. I know I said goodbye to you that night but you were asleep when I left and I don’t know that you knew that I loved you. I’ll always love you. And I’m sorry for everything I did that hurt you. Every mean thing I ever said. I’d take everything back to hear your voice one more time. I wish I could tell you about school. I wish that you were still here. Jakie misses you… he doesn’t talk about it because it makes mom cry… but he misses you. A lot. He doesn’t understand. I hope you watch over him and mom and the boys. I hope you don’t hate me for everything I did wrong. I’m trying so hard for you now. I hope you see that.
Happy Easter… I wish you were here to go to mass with me and give me looks for talking in the middle. You were always good at keeping me quiet.

I love you Papa,
Nicole.


p.s. if you see God… please tell him I’m sorry.