a mini rant

I wish that there were things in life i could control. Yes, yes i know. I "control" my life. But really I dont. I control nothing. I work my ass off and get mediocre grades. I never get sleep. I have work all the time. I control me. but when im exhausted that doesnt even work. I cant control my head. or my words. or really even my actions. and it's quite aggravating.

I really wish I could control things, people. Things like stupid assholes who hurt my friends. Things like the fact that too many people have passed away in this stupid month. Theres a reason the the 31st is the day of the dead. Fucking october. Or everyone getting sick. I know i know i know.. im not God. I cant control other people, or death, or nature. But i cant still wish right?

meh. bad week. too busy. cant function. gonna crash soon. not fun.

sorry for the rant.

sometimes it takes a hard time to realize who really cares.

<3

Dear Papa

Dear Papa,
I never thought I could miss you like this. I never imagined it would all hurt this much. I never thought of the day that I couldn’t remember your voice. Or your smile. I wish things were different. I wish you were there to hug me when Jamie died. I wish that I could see your face light up at Jakie’s newest goofy statements. I never thought that we would have to do this all without you. I never thought I would walk downstairs and not think of it as your house… but the other day I did just that. Then I went into your bathroom and cried. Because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Your world is gone. You aren’t here anymore. And I need you. I miss the way I could go downstairs and expect to see the news or baseball, nothing else. No matter what happened… you were my constant. I miss your smell… I never could quite figure out what it was... it was just you. Your house used to have it too… but it’s not there anymore. I never thought that I would walk downstairs and see the boys playing video games where that baseball game should have been on. Everything is different now. Mom painted and it’s beautiful but it’s not you. And they redid the floor… but then it flooded because of the water heater… remember last time that happened? It was the middle of the night and I woke up to your voice. I was mad you woke me up, now I wish I could hear your voice.

Do you remember when I stayed over your house when mom was in the hospital having Daniel? I remember crying and saying I wanted to see my mom and you told me to be a big girl. I was still crying and scared when I went to sleep in mom’s old room. The next morning I woke up in your bed (I never remembered walking around at night but I always did it) next to you, and I wasn’t scared anymore because I was with you. I miss you so much. I miss your strength and how you always cared. I miss the way you would come up and stop me and mom’s battles…. I used to get so mad at you but really you were just trying to teach me how to treat her. She deserves much better than me. I miss the way you used to force money on me, and not really because I miss the money, I just miss the gesture. You were never a touchy feely guy but when we got handed money we knew you loved us and were proud of us. I miss the random mornings you would take us out to breakfast.

I wish you didn’t leave us. I know it’s not your fault but I wish you didn’t leave. Things will never be the same. Mom isn’t the same anymore…. She’s sad. And she drinks too much. I don’t know how to stop her. I don’t know if I can anymore. I don’t know how. I wish that I could hug you again. And I wish I could see your smile. And see your handwriting. And see you at the front door waving goodbye when we left to go somewhere. I know I said goodbye to you that night but you were asleep when I left and I don’t know that you knew that I loved you. I’ll always love you. And I’m sorry for everything I did that hurt you. Every mean thing I ever said. I’d take everything back to hear your voice one more time. I wish I could tell you about school. I wish that you were still here. Jakie misses you… he doesn’t talk about it because it makes mom cry… but he misses you. A lot. He doesn’t understand. I hope you watch over him and mom and the boys. I hope you don’t hate me for everything I did wrong. I’m trying so hard for you now. I hope you see that.
Happy Easter… I wish you were here to go to mass with me and give me looks for talking in the middle. You were always good at keeping me quiet.

I love you Papa,
Nicole.


p.s. if you see God… please tell him I’m sorry.

i dont even know

i dont know what i'm doing w anything right now. i wanna go out. i wanna run away. i wanna get out of my head for like five minutes. then it would all be okay... but that can't happen, won't happen. i feel like i keep hurting people. i push people. i push them away. i push them past the breaking point. im scared. im scared of my head. ill admit that. my head is not okay right now. its not. i wish it was but its not. and i just dont know what to do. i want to fix it but i dont know how. i want to fix everything. im not okay. but i dont know what to do. and im really scared of myself. im scared of everything. i just... idk.

wow. it's been three years. three really really long years. and i wish i could go back and change so much. i would change that night. but it would change my whole life. so maybe... even tho it sucked and messed everything up... changing it wouldn't be the best thing ever.

second semester

hmmm i start classes in 4 days... about that? lol. i'm done w work for a while which is nice. and lifes been pretty good to me in the last few days:-)

i found a new pretty awesome friend. she know's who she is. she's been in my life for a while but never a close friend. it's good to be able to trust someone. not to say i don't normally trust ppl or that my frieds don't care. but it's different.

anyways. yeah. so i haven't written anything in forever. i've been crazy busy but insanely bored at the same time. lots of work. and work w my mom and the cutest, craziest kids ever. and of course hanging with my bestest buddy mel. and my brothers who have been pretty close friends too. it's been an interesting time. Lisa B's grandfather died. which was hard to see her fam go through. but yeah. so that's life at the moment.

now i'm gonna go pack and sleep and shower. fun stuff like that.:-)

I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.


i'll always be here. it's what i do. what i want to do. i wish i could fix everything.

merry christmas!
i love my friends.
respect my enemies.
treasure my family.
love my life.
hate the drama.
smile when i'm sad.
scream when i'm mad.
let go.
give in.
do eveything i can to win.

meh. i'm so done with the christmas thing. and it's only 2:33 in the morning.

here's how my last 24 hours have gone...
i went into work thinking i was late. but i was actually early. 27 minutes early which threw off when i got my break lol. i was so tired. lol. and it was crazzzzzy busy. people should learn to not shop at the grocery store last minute. so obnoxious. there were legit lines down the aisles. ridiculous.

then i got off work and it was absolutely friggin fabulous. i waited around at shaws til like 5:15 when aaron came and got me and brought me home.it was fun for a while. we opened sibling presents and such. but then there was a huge blowout fight between me and my mother somewhere around the 10 oclock hour. and aaron picked me up at like 11. we drove around for a bit. he was crazed and funny. fun times. lol. made me smile when i didn't think i could. then i went to the midnight mass and st. marys. which of course has it's novelty beauty. i love it but at the same time... it's meh. im not really feeling the whole church thing lately. haven't been since papa. but idk. i basically talked to the boys the whole time. then had a nice tear session when i thought about how different this christmas is gonna be.

at the end of mass i tried to talk to someone i used to be really close to and she basically couldn't have been more anti talking to me. so i left. basically. but whatevs. i love her but oh well. try again next time. lol.

but then i went back out with aaron and he made things better. smiles.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

do you ever have those days were nothing goes right? well i had one of them today and it was just no fun. work sucked. i didn't get in trouble or anything but my shoulder was killing and i was bored and counting down the minutes. i miss Bunches of Fun(the playroom) a lot. there were chairs there lol. it

and then i realized how much i hate not being able to drive when i got stuck on a bus for like 3 hours in the freezing cold weather that made my lungs hurt. then i came home... burnt my grilled cheese, almost fell asleep, and have been cleaning my room since like eight but i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere. in the midst of cleaning my room i heard from one of my teachers who basically told me my grade was fucked cuz i skipped a paper and it was a huge percent of my grade. so my grades aren't good anymore. my GPA is a mess. i feel like my life's a mess when it's really not. idk. blah. i miss St. Mary's but i can't really seem to bring myself back there... not in spirit. i mean i don't mind going or anything i just don't feel anything anymore. it's empty.

yesterday i found out joe, my neighbor, has lung cancer. he's lived next door to me since i was 11. he's given me a card full of money at every birthday part, my graduation, my confirmation. and i hardly know him. but i know he cares about me. and i hate that. today he was taken away in an ambulance. it sucks. papa had lung cancer. i miss him. christmas isnt the same without him and joe's diagnosis makes me think about it more. i had almost put it out of my head. i can't believe it's been 8 and a half months. i can't believe he's gone. i miss him. i never thought i could miss someone this much. i thought i heard him the other day... i know that sounds crazy. but i really thought that i heard him. and for a moment, one millisecond, i thought it was all a dream. i was wrong. it was daniel. i was so happy... for that one millisecond:-(



plus lately... i've been very confused about something and it's eating away my head. so idk.