i dont even know

i dont know what i'm doing w anything right now. i wanna go out. i wanna run away. i wanna get out of my head for like five minutes. then it would all be okay... but that can't happen, won't happen. i feel like i keep hurting people. i push people. i push them away. i push them past the breaking point. im scared. im scared of my head. ill admit that. my head is not okay right now. its not. i wish it was but its not. and i just dont know what to do. i want to fix it but i dont know how. i want to fix everything. im not okay. but i dont know what to do. and im really scared of myself. im scared of everything. i just... idk.

wow. it's been three years. three really really long years. and i wish i could go back and change so much. i would change that night. but it would change my whole life. so maybe... even tho it sucked and messed everything up... changing it wouldn't be the best thing ever.

second semester

hmmm i start classes in 4 days... about that? lol. i'm done w work for a while which is nice. and lifes been pretty good to me in the last few days:-)

i found a new pretty awesome friend. she know's who she is. she's been in my life for a while but never a close friend. it's good to be able to trust someone. not to say i don't normally trust ppl or that my frieds don't care. but it's different.

anyways. yeah. so i haven't written anything in forever. i've been crazy busy but insanely bored at the same time. lots of work. and work w my mom and the cutest, craziest kids ever. and of course hanging with my bestest buddy mel. and my brothers who have been pretty close friends too. it's been an interesting time. Lisa B's grandfather died. which was hard to see her fam go through. but yeah. so that's life at the moment.

now i'm gonna go pack and sleep and shower. fun stuff like that.:-)