I really miss my young apostles.....

 

I thought it wouldn't be so hard to leave them and that it would get easier but it hasn't....

--
Love Always, Nicole

Yesterday was so much fun... it was NH Youthfest and me and Merediht and Other and Welina went and it was just a ton of fun.  I personally enjoy the car rides the most.   It was tons and tons of fun.  We talked and Welina and i had a ton of fun thinking about YA. It so exciting.
--
Love Always, Nicole

i hate everything.... I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to
do.............

--
Love Always, Nicole

ok...

I wish i could figure out what I want to do with my life... I feel like I'm being pulled in a ton of different directions!!!

 

Dear God,

Please guide me in making the right decisions... show me what you want me to do.

Thank you!

group is where the heart is!!!

group is where the heart is... the love is... the comfort is... the pain is... the happiness is... I love you all... can't believe I'm moving on... but I''ll always be here for all of you...you are my family.... family sticks together<3


--
Love Always, Nicole

life

Ok so why is everyone leaving?? I feel like the people I care about the most are leaving me because my life is too much for everyone, especially me, to handle. I need people and I can't do this much longer... I'm scared and alone and that's how i always am... forver.

ergggggggg...

Okay so why am I falling apart? I just don't get it. I shouldn't be falling apart... my life's not all that bad. I just have no ability to withstand it... I mean I push everyone away... I hurt people .... it's not fair to everyone who knows me and has to deal with me.

I am going on retreat on Monday and I honestly don't even know if I want to go.... Like is it just going to make me feel worse... like a horrible person. I don't like that feeling... But what if God wants me there... what if He has something I need to know about... need to feel. Like maybe it won't be all that bad at all.

I'm just so confused right now...........

A hurt, a pain, a nuisance

But most of all a cry.

A cry from the very botton of my soul,

A cray wishing that the blood would roll,

A cry to release the tears,

A cry to voice the fears,

A cry to understand why they keep leaving,

A cry to help me keep believing,

A cry to get rid of the mundane thoughts,

A cry to remember the times I have fought,

A cry to wash the pain away,

A cry out for another day,

A cry to release the stress,

A cry to help clean up the mess,

A cry for someone to see the pain,

A cry for God to ease the rain,

A cry to help tear down the wall,

A cry to be caught before I fall,

A cry to understand why he was lain*,

A cry to understand why He was slain,

A cry to reach out to the others,

A cry to remember my sisters and brothers,

A cry filled with sorrow pain and doubt,

A cry attempting to figure it out,

A cry for the razor, my closest friend,

A cry for because I want this all to end,

A cry as a girl with nothing to stop her,

A cry to the heavens in hopes He will stop her,

A cry hoping that someone will help me,

A cry because I know who it will not be,

A cry to remember the worst times,

A cry to forgive all my own crimes,

A cry to understand all t hat is happening,

A cry to back to who I was happy being,

A cry to mend my broken heart,

A cry to go back to the start,

A cry out to someone filled with love,

A cry hoping to bring down the dove.

 

--
Love Always, Nicole

I need you to know,

   I lied today when I told you i was okay.

I need you to know,

   I don't know that I'm going to get through the day.

I need you to know,

   I'm scared and lost and don't know where to go.

I need you to know,

   I have never felt this low.

I need you to know,

   I really need you now.

I need you to know,

   I want to get better, but I don't know how.

I need you to know that i am really scared,

    I really didn't know I was to be feared.

I need you to know,

   I don't know what I should do.

I need you to know,

   I will be okay because I love you.

I am so tired of letting down the people I love,

Tired of turning my eyes blankly to up above.

The pain is becoming too much to bear,

And no one can say the words that I need to hear.

I need someone to tell me that I'll be okay,

Someone to tell me they are here to stay.

This is truly my only wish,

But instead I find myself feeling that I wouldn't be missed.

Suffocating as I sit here alone,

I go through the motions, with these feelings that I own.

Fear and anger have overtaken my brain,

And though I try to move past it, it's always the same.

I put on the façade, the mask I must wear,

And walk past these people who are all unaware.

The lies have begun to own my life,

Causing even more unnecessary strife.

I walk through the church I once called my home,

And once again I am overcome with the feeling of being alone.

This place which once brought smiles, now it brings tears,

It was once a sanctuary, it used to house all of my fears.

Now I've lost heart, and my God,

For Him I would trade anything, I would battle any odd.

I would do anything for just one kind word,

The kind that I used to pretend I had not heard.

--
Love Always, Nicole

Do you know what it's like
    to walk the walk of the dead?
To wish that for a few sweet moments

    you could be someone else instead.
To think and hope and dream
    yet still feel numb inside
To look into a mirror, at your own eyes,
    and not know what they hide
To feel a pain so sharp and deep
    yet know that it is forever, your burden to keep?

Do you know what it's like 
    to walk the walk of the dead,
To smile on the outside
    while the tears on the inside refuse to end,
To see the face of the people you trust
    and know that the friendship is bound to end,
To wish for nothing more than control
    so with one movement you let the blood roll,
To feel a foreign presence deep in my soul
    and wish that God would make you whole.
To want to cry but not know how
    because crying is something which you cannot allow?


I know what it's like
    to walk to walk of the dead.
To look into you eyes now,

    and wish that you could know

To understand that it only works to hide,
    and pray that soon the day will come when I die.

--
Love Always, Nicole

All I need is for someone to save me...

Not because they have to,

But because they want to....

Not because I'm their burden,

But because I'm their friend. 

Everything is foreign,

Everything is painful,

Everything is falling apart.......

I wish someone would care enough to see me...
Because I can't see me anymore....

All the shapes are fuzzy at the edges

The world is spinning all around...

I lose sight of who I want to be ,

And become what i am....

Nothing

--
Love Always, Nicole