I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.


i'll always be here. it's what i do. what i want to do. i wish i could fix everything.

merry christmas!
i love my friends.
respect my enemies.
treasure my family.
love my life.
hate the drama.
smile when i'm sad.
scream when i'm mad.
let go.
give in.
do eveything i can to win.

meh. i'm so done with the christmas thing. and it's only 2:33 in the morning.

here's how my last 24 hours have gone...
i went into work thinking i was late. but i was actually early. 27 minutes early which threw off when i got my break lol. i was so tired. lol. and it was crazzzzzy busy. people should learn to not shop at the grocery store last minute. so obnoxious. there were legit lines down the aisles. ridiculous.

then i got off work and it was absolutely friggin fabulous. i waited around at shaws til like 5:15 when aaron came and got me and brought me home.it was fun for a while. we opened sibling presents and such. but then there was a huge blowout fight between me and my mother somewhere around the 10 oclock hour. and aaron picked me up at like 11. we drove around for a bit. he was crazed and funny. fun times. lol. made me smile when i didn't think i could. then i went to the midnight mass and st. marys. which of course has it's novelty beauty. i love it but at the same time... it's meh. im not really feeling the whole church thing lately. haven't been since papa. but idk. i basically talked to the boys the whole time. then had a nice tear session when i thought about how different this christmas is gonna be.

at the end of mass i tried to talk to someone i used to be really close to and she basically couldn't have been more anti talking to me. so i left. basically. but whatevs. i love her but oh well. try again next time. lol.

but then i went back out with aaron and he made things better. smiles.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

do you ever have those days were nothing goes right? well i had one of them today and it was just no fun. work sucked. i didn't get in trouble or anything but my shoulder was killing and i was bored and counting down the minutes. i miss Bunches of Fun(the playroom) a lot. there were chairs there lol. it

and then i realized how much i hate not being able to drive when i got stuck on a bus for like 3 hours in the freezing cold weather that made my lungs hurt. then i came home... burnt my grilled cheese, almost fell asleep, and have been cleaning my room since like eight but i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere. in the midst of cleaning my room i heard from one of my teachers who basically told me my grade was fucked cuz i skipped a paper and it was a huge percent of my grade. so my grades aren't good anymore. my GPA is a mess. i feel like my life's a mess when it's really not. idk. blah. i miss St. Mary's but i can't really seem to bring myself back there... not in spirit. i mean i don't mind going or anything i just don't feel anything anymore. it's empty.

yesterday i found out joe, my neighbor, has lung cancer. he's lived next door to me since i was 11. he's given me a card full of money at every birthday part, my graduation, my confirmation. and i hardly know him. but i know he cares about me. and i hate that. today he was taken away in an ambulance. it sucks. papa had lung cancer. i miss him. christmas isnt the same without him and joe's diagnosis makes me think about it more. i had almost put it out of my head. i can't believe it's been 8 and a half months. i can't believe he's gone. i miss him. i never thought i could miss someone this much. i thought i heard him the other day... i know that sounds crazy. but i really thought that i heard him. and for a moment, one millisecond, i thought it was all a dream. i was wrong. it was daniel. i was so happy... for that one millisecond:-(



plus lately... i've been very confused about something and it's eating away my head. so idk.

snow dayssss

hmmmm i love when they call for a crzy snow storm the night before. i think it's quite amusing. lol. so now i'm laying on courtney wicker's floor with nothing to do. and too much to think about. like how... hey... i have to figure out how i'm making enough to pay my credit card payment. lol. damn credit cards. or how about the fact that my shoulder is so fucked i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to ring at work... which means i'm pretty screwed in the money department. or how about... i'm lonely. like yeah... i have amazing friends. but i miss having someone to talk to all the time. we fought a lot... but idk... he was constant. now i'm lonely.

but anyways. i have a month off of school which is nice. i'm hoping to get some stuff done and get ready for an intense semester in the spring. i'm taking 6 classes... 6 hard classes. i'm a dumbass lol.
-intro to social work
-social problems
-adolescent psych
-abnormal psych
-math 105(which i already got a D- in)
-my seminar--stories to persuade

God help me lol. why do i do this to myself lol?

okay so i'm gonna go try to find something to do. cuz laying here is not a fun time and my hands are really cold lol.

end of fall semester sophomore year!

it's funny... when the end of the semester comes and you don't know how to take it. this one went by very fast. and it was amazingly complicated. i lost more than one important person... my cousin Jamie and my first real love. as much as it hurts... i'm trying to learn from it all, from the ups and the downs here's what i learned this semester:

• death hurts. always. even when you know it's coming. even when you've been prepared. it hurts. a lot. Rest in peace Jamie... i'm living my life for you. everyday.
  
• love can hurt too. especially when it's over. but it happens. and you try your hardest to pick up and move on. taking that pain with you and hoping that something or someone will fill the void
  
• friends truly are the most important aspect of college life. more important than classes. more important than the stupid papers. yes, those things are important... but without strong friends.... we'd all fail. yeah... they take our time, are a huge distraction, and kill our grades. but without them where would we be? who would we eat with? who would make us laugh til our problems went away? who would do homework with us? who would hug us and show up in our rooms without our knowledge of letting them in? college friends make college livable. thanks for a great semester guys! my favorite girlssssss... rw, ab, nd, cj, aa, sm, tr
  
• home friends are another hugeeeeeeee thing... without them i would never go home. who else would take me make me a miracle elixer after a wake? who would drive me on my endless rides to nowhere? who would be there for me when the really serious things hit... like, oh hey... a siliver volvo? my true home friends... me, ak, id, lb
• oh.... and about the whole... classes, grades thing... it's not so bad when you actually do what you're supposed to... lol. why didn't someone tell me that a year ago? hahaha. jk. they did. i needed to figure it out on my own. and i did. thank the heavens!
  

this semester has been long... but i made it. we all did. and now we go home... recuperate... and do it all again... there are things i know i will change... what will you?

Nicole’s List of Things to Do Before I die

1. Talk to my dad on the phone for a half hour
2. Help someone stop cutting…. Forever
3. Hold onto one friend for the rest of my life
4. Dance with my dad at my wedding
5. Learn enough ASL to have a conversation with a deaf person
6. Get in touch with all of the friends that I have pushed away… and apologize
7. Name a child for someone
8. Keep to a work out routine
9. Let go of my fears
10. Hold a spider
11. Own my own dog
12. Get my license
13. Cry on someone’s shoulder
14. Be a better friend
15. Accept myself as I am
16. Go to mass every Sunday and on all Holy Days… regardless of my life
17. Run a mile
18. Read 50 books in a month
19. Read the bible
20. Get married in a church full of red roses
21. Make someone smile everyday
22. Send my parents on a trip
23. See all 3 of my brothers graduate from college
24. Watch my mother hold my child for the first time
25. Accept Craig and Jamie’s deaths
26. Work for St. Judes Hospital
27. Work at Children’s
28. Get my PsyD
29. Open my own IPTC
30. Go through an entire Lenten season without talking about people
31. Be completely honest
32. Go on a mission trip
33. Get a real job
34. Travel through Europe
35. Change people’s lives as often as possible
36. Smile when I want to cry
37. Teach my kids ASL
38. Show my mom how much she means to me
39. Knit a sweater
40. Donate an entire weeks pay to someone in need
41. Foster a child
42. Go a whole semester without putting anything off to the last minute
43. Finish every page in a journal
44. Foster a child
45. Go a whole semester without putting anything off to the last minute
46. Finish every page in a journal
47. Collect 10, 000 can tabs
48. Make something important
49. Publish research
50. Thank my therapists
51. Have surgery on my shoulder
52. Pay off my parents house
53. Be someone’s godmother
54. Be a CORE member in Dedham
55. Let go of the bitterness
56. Let someone change my life
57. Make dean’s list
58. Get a scholarship
59. Row a single in HOCR
60. Cover a wall in pictures that I never have to take down
61. Learn to let people walk away when they need to
62. Visit Medujorge, Lordes and La Sallet
63. Drive a red camry
64. Learn to scuba dive
65. Donate a World Youth Day trip to SMLT
66. Teach someone to row
67. Deliver a baby