The Unfairness of Society

Today I look in the eyes of the prepubescent boy who is about to be labelled for life. He knows it. I know it. But neither of us dares to share our anger. He holds the shame in his eyes, in his heart but not his words; telling of how he behaved in school. I see his innocence, his fear. Today he met with an evaluator who is going to decide on a whim whether or not he will be able to be 12. He will decide his label; safe or a danger.

This boy was abused by his paternal grandfather and hid it for six years. Left that hole of stolen innocence to bubble and boil until he continued the cycle. He didn't know that what had been done to him was wrong, he didn't know why he felt shame, he didn't know that what he did to his 4 year old cousin was wrong.

He is going to be locked up, key thrown far away. Labelled at 12 for something he didn't know was wrong. But neither of us say anything. We don't talk about it. We just carry on. He will leave and go on to become a label. Just another label. And a new child will come along and take his place in my heart. The look on his face, the fear in his eyes, that will join the glossary of emotions I have seen on other children's faces. The worst part of my career is seeing the looks and knowing the feelings but not being able to address the problem. Sigh.

It's weird how people can so easily come and go
The most important people slip away
Suddenly a stranger you hope to never see in the street
Just last week had your heart in their back pocket

Suddenly you realize all that was going wrong
All the ways they hurt you
All the ways they were bringing you down the whole time
Suddenly you feel worth so much more
You trust yourself and the pain starts to fade
Blows with the wind and pushed out by the buzz in your heart
The remembrance that you were okay before them
That you are okay now
That you will always be okay

A confused and condemned state of mind

Feeling tied and owned
Pulled in so many directions
Anger, fear, frustration, rage
Lost in my mind; in jealousy and betrayal.
How do I move from this stuck and scared exsistance, fix up my life and put the pieces back together?
I can feel this beast growing inside me, slowly taking over my body, my mind.
Cortex by cortex, nerve by nerve.
With no anecdote or way to restrain the growing animal I feel I am becoming.
Losing me and growing more and more like what I fear.
Until my soul is lost and my heart is cold as stone

nic.curran's photostream

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nic.curran's photostream

nic.curran's photostream on Flickr.

every moment counts

1. i hate spiders
2. the cold and dark makes me sad
3. i still remember the first day i met lisa b when i was 4
4. my life is sometimes....complicated
   
5. i love little kids and even though i say otherwise i cannot wait to have my own
6. my biggest fear is losing people
7. i will always remember my life from high school
8. you could learn everything about me by reading my notes on facebook
9. my favorite TV show will always be ER
10. i desperately need a new job
11. my family went to disney world without me in december.. im a little resentful
    
12. my boyfriend is amazing
13. im scared to death my mom has cancer =/
14. my dad amazes me
15. freshman year was the best of times and the worst of times, i wouldnt have changed it for anything
16. ending up in the hospital made me realize that i needed to change my life
17. i have a soft spot for justin bieber
18. ellen is the best talk show host ever
19. you could learn everything there is to know about me by reading my facebook notes
20. harry potter is my favorite bedtime movie..preferably 4, 5 or 6
21. sometimes when im sad i go through old pictures
22. i want 2 more tattoos
23. my grandfathers face has started to fade in my mind =/
24. I am jealous that Daniel got his license before me
    

meh...been a long few weeks. can't stop thinking about money.. it's really stressful. apparently i'm behing on student loans i never got bills for? it's really aggrivating. like i dont know how i'm ever supposed to grow up when these people keep taking my money and wasting all my time. my focus right now is getting a car and paying off school but it's really not working and totally sucks. no one is calling me back and i can't get my liscense until i have a car with a center brake. so incredibly annoying. our van is totalled and the midget mobile is going out of commission. ughhh.

i still feel like i'm twelve so why the hell do i have to be a grown up?

on better terms.. i get to see lisa and becka tomorrow.. really excited about that=)

Today I started to think about a few things.. first technology. What is our generations obsession with technology. Everything is technology. Last night I had a dream about a phone. I mean really.. .a phone. Why is that what my subconscious is concerned with? Not world peace or the fact that I'm 21 years old and $60,000 in debt. Not the year of school I have wasted or the drama i can always find, a phone.

What happened to those times when I could wake up and go have breakfast, get ready for school, pick out clothes and finish my homework all before catching a 6:45 bus? I never thought about anyone else in the morning. I didn't roll over to check my phone. I didn't keep a laptop on the shelf next to my bed. I didnt' worry about what anyone had to say, feel or think. I only cared about me. And honestly, I was healthier. And I miss it.

Now, I never part form my most precious device. When asked the age old question of what personal belongings I would grab in a fire, there's no though about my old journals, stacks of photos, movie stubs and sentiments. Just my phone. I piece of plastic and metal which can be replaced with 50 dollars.

I am going to try to seperate myself from my phone this week. Spending my time at the gym without it might make it easier to focus on me and go back to how it was before the world was linked.

What is a "friend"? Is it a person? A place? A thing? A noun? A verb? Is it concrete? Abstract?

there aint nothing like a memory when it's coming on strong like a hurricane

I realized something huge..something I have been struggling with for years. I unlocked it. In the middle of a deep conversation the other day, it finally hit me how much of the past I unknowingly carry with me in my day to day life. Pieces of the past I have given up and forgotten, grown from and out of. We think it is easy to rewrite ourselves but it is not, our past is our present and our future. Our past is constantly changing and recreating itself but it's like a giant closet.. you throw your old clothes, books and shoes into it thinking "I'm going to need this someday" and then you forget. You forget that those pink jelly shoes you wore to your junior prom are there, they go out of style and one day when you are searching for the match to your new black high tops you come across that jelly shoe and are immediately immersed in pubecest memories of awkward dances and teenage angst. You put the shoe back, knowing that you should really throw it out and part with that piece of your life. But you can't. It's there and it's staying there. That is how memory works.

Mind you, I have taken countless psychology classes where they explain that your brain is like a big giant complex computer and I am dumbing it down to a simple pair of old shoes. But think about it. On my computer there is a Delete button. I choose what stays and goes. It can crash and take the important and unimportant away from me. I can't do that with my brain. Or my closet. Because for some reason deep within we all want to hold on to pieces of our past. And barring house fire or amnesia these things stick with us.

Unlike a pair of shoes our memories pop up. We don't have to go searching in the back of the closet to fine them. Things just remind us. Like tonight with my boyfriend I was reminded of times when I was so different. I was convinced I was going to be a nun. Or the other day I was fighting with someone they asked my why I manipulate people with threats and guilt. I realized I had one reason why. The past. In the past I let people do to me what I was being accused of then and realized how messed up I have been by that one person. But it's been part of me for so long now. How do I change that? How do I take the shoes I wore to junior prom that gave me giant blisters away? Better question.. why wouldnt I be able to?

forget and not slow down

I'd rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now
If I become what I can't accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it

So many times in our lives we are faced with one question: what now?

That is the question I am faced with today.. what now? What is going on with my life at this moment? Well at this moment I am sitting on my bed in tie dye pajamas listening to the poetic sarcasm of House M.D and every few minutes I hear the laughter of my baby brother. I am safe and comfortable. I'm texting my boyfriend and waiting for an instant message. Today was long and stressful and tiring for reasons that I cannot control; I had a broken oven, two broken proofers, had to cover an incredibly inconvient break, oh and I spent a good percent of my time thinking about things that have nothing. Thinking can be an evil passtime. It is like a vicious virus, it sparks a small thought that grows into a huge one. It becomes all I can think about.

There is something I can't stop thinking about it: what now? I have worked at a supermarket for four years. I have a mediocre GPA and a even less appealing resume. I haven't done anything with my life. So what now, where do I go for now?

Anyways, different rant! Why are we all so damn interconnected now? Literally..everything is instantaneous. It's insane! Texts. Instant Messages. Email. Facebook. Twitter. "All in the palm of your hand". Well maybe I dont want all the demands of having the whole world in my hands. Maybe I want to pick up the phone for once. Oh and of course now I have a kindle, aka the best electronic device...except it has one click payment..aka it only takes me one minute, one frigging click, to spend like 15.99 on a book I have never heard of but that has a pretty little girl on the front cover.

So yeah.. that's today's rants.

Songs for Lisa

• The Best of Me-Jason Aldean
• Hug Me-Meg and Dia
• Waiting Outside The Lines-Greyson Chance
• Pray-Justin Bieber
• By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North
• Overflow-Chloe&Olivia
• Cry Out to Jesus-Third Day
  
• The Last Night-Skillet
  
• Time-Chloe&Olivia
• The Lucky Ones-Brendan James
• Drowning-Saving Abel
• Second Chance-Cory Morrow
• The Truth-Kris Allen
• Your Love is a Song-Switchfoot
• Rain-Creed
• Dreaming Love-Kate& Kacey
• Never Going Back to Ok-The Afters
• Nobody's Hero-The Strange Familiar
• Why Not Now-Alissa Moreno
• Angel-The Strange Familiar
• Here I Am-Carly Patterson
• Hold-Superchic
• Time to Wake Up-Carly Patterson
• That's How it Is-Paul Freeman
• Give Me Your Eyes-Brandon Heath
• This is Who We Are-Hawthorne Heights
• There Will Be a Day-Jeremy Camp
• Came Back to Me-David Cook
• The Greatest Wonder-Gratitude
• Who We Are-Ryan Calhoun
• LifeLine-Papa Roach
• Everything Went Down-Kate Tucker and the Sons of Sweden
• Get Twisted-Louie Bello (my neighbor)
• ANYTHING BY KATE VOUGLE or BREAKING BENJAMIN or RELIENT K
  
• Save You- Simple Plan
• 3am-Busted
• Temporary Life (Ordinary Girl)-Carly Patterson
• You're Not Mine-The Morning Light
• You're Not Alone-Soasin
• Reinventing Your Exit-Underoath
• After the World-Disciple
• Austin-Blake Shelton
• Courage-Superchic
• Pain-Three Days Grace
• Fighting For Nothing-Meg and Dia
  
• Suddenly-Superchic
• Stand in the Rain-Superchic
• Everything Is Different Now-Stellar Kart
• Never Let Go-Stellar Kart
  
• We Cry-The Script
• I Belong To You-Superchic
• Best Days-Graham Colton
  
• Wish-Brian Littrel
• We Live-Superchic
• Halfway Gone-Lifehouse
• The Driveway-Miley Cyrus
• Sooner Or Later-Michael Tolcher
• Time and Confusion-Anberlin
• Take You Back-Jeremy Camp
• Friend Like That-Hawk Nelson
  
• Sea of Faces-kutless
• Zero-Hawk Nelson
• Me and Jesus-Stellar Kart
• Affirmation-Savage Garden
  

those nights

I remember when we used to laugh about nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In the dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

So today a friend and I started reminiscing a little about the past four years and the things that have happened and changed. It's crazy to think that almost four years ago we started out on this journey of college and all the stuggles and joys that go along with that. In those four years there have been so many changes, so many tear, so many losses and so many gains. We walked into our dorm rooms that day and thought that what we loved, what we hated, what we thought...they were all concrete. We assumed that the friends we made in the first few weeks would be by our side for years to come. We thought that when we graduated in four years we would be the same people. Oh how wrong we were.

I walked into my dorm room thinking I would completely reinvent my past, I would erase all the little errors I had made in high school. I would not be clingy, I would not tell anyone about the scars on my legs, I would never pick up a blade again. Everything was going to be different and it was going to magically start then, that moment, that day. Yep. Naht what happened. In fact let us be completely honest...furthest thing from what happened. School was stressful. Friendships from home were stressful, in particular one who was having a very hard time emotionally, I snapped. It all started again and people began to notice, things were becoming just as they were before. I drifted from the group I started with and found some new friends. I made a promise to put the blade down, never thinking I'd keep it. Then bigger things started happening, my grandfather died, my cousin died. My grades were shit. I was spiralling. Everytime they steadied out it felt like something happened to pull it away. So many tears were shed and so many times I thought I would never make it out in one piece.

Looking back now though:
So many tears as were shed; equal amount of laughs
So many sleepless nights I spent wondering when the alarm would finally go off; so many nights crashing with my friends because we were exhausted from laughter
So many stupid texting fights; so many texts telling me how much I was loved and cared for.

Four years ago I started school as a naive Catholic, pro-life, unfriendly to those who were homosexual and thinking I knew everything. I made friends a week into school that I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I had spent years in public school, years in private. I had played sports, I got good grades and some bad. Now as my college years wind down I realize I am not that person anymore. I haven't gone to mass in months, but I pray to God constantly. I am in love with the Da Vinci Code and Harry Potter. I am friends with many people who don't consider themselves "straight" -who in my eyes are equal, perhaps even superior considering how honest they had to be in such a harsh world. . I am a virgin but I don't wear a chastity ring. I have amazing friends, but very few. I only talk to two people who were in my original group. My best friend is amazing and I love her. I havent cut in over three years. I have watched people fight for their lives. I have watched people surrender. I have spent a week on the acute psych ward. I have never been so honest as I am right now. I have changed by that's how it is. And I'm ok with it.