Dear Papa

Dear Papa,
I never thought I could miss you like this. I never imagined it would all hurt this much. I never thought of the day that I couldn’t remember your voice. Or your smile. I wish things were different. I wish you were there to hug me when Jamie died. I wish that I could see your face light up at Jakie’s newest goofy statements. I never thought that we would have to do this all without you. I never thought I would walk downstairs and not think of it as your house… but the other day I did just that. Then I went into your bathroom and cried. Because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Your world is gone. You aren’t here anymore. And I need you. I miss the way I could go downstairs and expect to see the news or baseball, nothing else. No matter what happened… you were my constant. I miss your smell… I never could quite figure out what it was... it was just you. Your house used to have it too… but it’s not there anymore. I never thought that I would walk downstairs and see the boys playing video games where that baseball game should have been on. Everything is different now. Mom painted and it’s beautiful but it’s not you. And they redid the floor… but then it flooded because of the water heater… remember last time that happened? It was the middle of the night and I woke up to your voice. I was mad you woke me up, now I wish I could hear your voice.

Do you remember when I stayed over your house when mom was in the hospital having Daniel? I remember crying and saying I wanted to see my mom and you told me to be a big girl. I was still crying and scared when I went to sleep in mom’s old room. The next morning I woke up in your bed (I never remembered walking around at night but I always did it) next to you, and I wasn’t scared anymore because I was with you. I miss you so much. I miss your strength and how you always cared. I miss the way you would come up and stop me and mom’s battles…. I used to get so mad at you but really you were just trying to teach me how to treat her. She deserves much better than me. I miss the way you used to force money on me, and not really because I miss the money, I just miss the gesture. You were never a touchy feely guy but when we got handed money we knew you loved us and were proud of us. I miss the random mornings you would take us out to breakfast.

I wish you didn’t leave us. I know it’s not your fault but I wish you didn’t leave. Things will never be the same. Mom isn’t the same anymore…. She’s sad. And she drinks too much. I don’t know how to stop her. I don’t know if I can anymore. I don’t know how. I wish that I could hug you again. And I wish I could see your smile. And see your handwriting. And see you at the front door waving goodbye when we left to go somewhere. I know I said goodbye to you that night but you were asleep when I left and I don’t know that you knew that I loved you. I’ll always love you. And I’m sorry for everything I did that hurt you. Every mean thing I ever said. I’d take everything back to hear your voice one more time. I wish I could tell you about school. I wish that you were still here. Jakie misses you… he doesn’t talk about it because it makes mom cry… but he misses you. A lot. He doesn’t understand. I hope you watch over him and mom and the boys. I hope you don’t hate me for everything I did wrong. I’m trying so hard for you now. I hope you see that.
Happy Easter… I wish you were here to go to mass with me and give me looks for talking in the middle. You were always good at keeping me quiet.

I love you Papa,
Nicole.


p.s. if you see God… please tell him I’m sorry.