there aint nothing like a memory when it's coming on strong like a hurricane

I realized something huge..something I have been struggling with for years. I unlocked it. In the middle of a deep conversation the other day, it finally hit me how much of the past I unknowingly carry with me in my day to day life. Pieces of the past I have given up and forgotten, grown from and out of. We think it is easy to rewrite ourselves but it is not, our past is our present and our future. Our past is constantly changing and recreating itself but it's like a giant closet.. you throw your old clothes, books and shoes into it thinking "I'm going to need this someday" and then you forget. You forget that those pink jelly shoes you wore to your junior prom are there, they go out of style and one day when you are searching for the match to your new black high tops you come across that jelly shoe and are immediately immersed in pubecest memories of awkward dances and teenage angst. You put the shoe back, knowing that you should really throw it out and part with that piece of your life. But you can't. It's there and it's staying there. That is how memory works.

Mind you, I have taken countless psychology classes where they explain that your brain is like a big giant complex computer and I am dumbing it down to a simple pair of old shoes. But think about it. On my computer there is a Delete button. I choose what stays and goes. It can crash and take the important and unimportant away from me. I can't do that with my brain. Or my closet. Because for some reason deep within we all want to hold on to pieces of our past. And barring house fire or amnesia these things stick with us.

Unlike a pair of shoes our memories pop up. We don't have to go searching in the back of the closet to fine them. Things just remind us. Like tonight with my boyfriend I was reminded of times when I was so different. I was convinced I was going to be a nun. Or the other day I was fighting with someone they asked my why I manipulate people with threats and guilt. I realized I had one reason why. The past. In the past I let people do to me what I was being accused of then and realized how messed up I have been by that one person. But it's been part of me for so long now. How do I change that? How do I take the shoes I wore to junior prom that gave me giant blisters away? Better question.. why wouldnt I be able to?