those nights

I remember when we used to laugh about nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In the dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

So today a friend and I started reminiscing a little about the past four years and the things that have happened and changed. It's crazy to think that almost four years ago we started out on this journey of college and all the stuggles and joys that go along with that. In those four years there have been so many changes, so many tear, so many losses and so many gains. We walked into our dorm rooms that day and thought that what we loved, what we hated, what we thought...they were all concrete. We assumed that the friends we made in the first few weeks would be by our side for years to come. We thought that when we graduated in four years we would be the same people. Oh how wrong we were.

I walked into my dorm room thinking I would completely reinvent my past, I would erase all the little errors I had made in high school. I would not be clingy, I would not tell anyone about the scars on my legs, I would never pick up a blade again. Everything was going to be different and it was going to magically start then, that moment, that day. Yep. Naht what happened. In fact let us be completely honest...furthest thing from what happened. School was stressful. Friendships from home were stressful, in particular one who was having a very hard time emotionally, I snapped. It all started again and people began to notice, things were becoming just as they were before. I drifted from the group I started with and found some new friends. I made a promise to put the blade down, never thinking I'd keep it. Then bigger things started happening, my grandfather died, my cousin died. My grades were shit. I was spiralling. Everytime they steadied out it felt like something happened to pull it away. So many tears were shed and so many times I thought I would never make it out in one piece.

Looking back now though:
So many tears as were shed; equal amount of laughs
So many sleepless nights I spent wondering when the alarm would finally go off; so many nights crashing with my friends because we were exhausted from laughter
So many stupid texting fights; so many texts telling me how much I was loved and cared for.

Four years ago I started school as a naive Catholic, pro-life, unfriendly to those who were homosexual and thinking I knew everything. I made friends a week into school that I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I had spent years in public school, years in private. I had played sports, I got good grades and some bad. Now as my college years wind down I realize I am not that person anymore. I haven't gone to mass in months, but I pray to God constantly. I am in love with the Da Vinci Code and Harry Potter. I am friends with many people who don't consider themselves "straight" -who in my eyes are equal, perhaps even superior considering how honest they had to be in such a harsh world. . I am a virgin but I don't wear a chastity ring. I have amazing friends, but very few. I only talk to two people who were in my original group. My best friend is amazing and I love her. I havent cut in over three years. I have watched people fight for their lives. I have watched people surrender. I have spent a week on the acute psych ward. I have never been so honest as I am right now. I have changed by that's how it is. And I'm ok with it.